Small conversation after small conversation I've lied, because no one wants to hear the truth... No one asks "How are you?" (in any language) to hear a response which is not "good."
Well I will tell you here and now, I am NOT good, I'm NOT fine. I don't need to be okay, I have the right to be unhappy, to be completly out of control, to maybe question everything I do and say.
I feel like I haven't been happy, if anything happy by circumstances. Happy becuase an era was coming to an end. Happy in the fading world of known. Happy because I didn't know anyone or thing. I've been happy, don't let me mislead you. I'm just not happy now.
I don't care if it just takes some "adjsuting" or if is something I cannot control. I just have always felt I'm waiting. A constant cycle of survival until a unexpected encounter with happiness. The happiness all but fleeting.
The struggles are real... I feel trapped here, trapped in this city, this school, within these walls as times in bad company. Trapped, without even a light to guide me.
The struggle to find yourself, to do well, to know what you want to do, to know who to befriend and who to let go. Everything is a question, asking who the things you might not know the answer to quite yet.It's overwhelming.
Step after step, follow your feet. They somehow always lead the way. Keep walking, keep thinking, keep questioning. Scream outloud every once in a while. Find inspiration and notice the little things. Get through the day becuase there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything, how can yesterday and tomorrow fit too?
You can't be afraid of unhappiness in which might worry people about and are concerned about. You CAN'T be happy all the time, nor fine, you can't be oaky. You can be angry, frustrated, sad and enraged. Maybe there is nothing to smile remembering, nor anything to look forward to today however we always haave tomorrow and if not tomorrow the next day. I promise you, everything will be okay even if it is not today. I'm not good either.
Being happy all the time is overrated. You need these moments of sadness, unhappiness, frustration to be human. Settling back into life here has been so difficult for me. I've been burying myself in activities, in schoolwork, to keep from thinking about a former life. Just one day at a time, it's my new mantra. And somehow, I'm afloat again, drifting on a sea that I don't have any way to navigate.
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