Nothing means anything

2:05 am. Just got home, another night partying...  another night of regret.
I can't tell you how much I have regretted this year. I regret almost everything, almost everyone. I don;t know why I haven't given up yet. I can't tell you how mnay times I have wanted to buy the next ticket back home.
No one means anything. No one means anything to me. It pains me to say this. Out of everyone I have met, they won;t mean anything to me, less to me after I return home. It is the drastically the opposite here for me. Care for yourself, you're all on your own. Everyone who has meant anything to me here has only hurt me. I feel hurt, my heart streched open and raw., bleeding for the abuse. I mean I feel horrible, I'm not me. You could claim I'm a good person that I'm unique and individual and everything but I'm not even the reflection of that person to day. I haven't been for a long time. I miss me.
Anything romantic, forget it. Romance is dead, civerlary is non-existent. I haven't been crazy throwinng my morals to wind as often. I haven't been with anyone physically in 3 weeks, I don't really want to, well maybe I do but in the morning I'm left empty and cold. It hits you every time harder and harder until you claim you'll become a lesbian. :) I have been hurt too many times.
My heart when I came was open wide, accepting of everyone, caring. As of right now... it is dying. My heart has been infected. Only 3 months to live the doctor said, his words dropped like bombs on my fragile world.
You know. I can't think.
Nothing means anything.

Looking for something and don't know what

I find we are all looking for something which we don't know what. Something to make us happy, make everything worthwhile and make sense. We all are looking for this thing that will bring probably fleeting happiness. For all happiness passes sooner that it is ever enjoyed. The quick death of a smile makes them all the more valuable.

I've never found happiness in my pay check or for the most part not in other people, not in romantic relationships. I've never been hungry for power, all these typical things that people want in hopes of being happy. The things that make life "good." If bussiness is good doesn't mean life is good. You can be surround by other people and feel the loneliest.  Power brings power, nothing else. What does power mean to me?
I pursue what I think will make me happy. Bring a smile to my face, laugh until my stomach hurts. What gives me the will to get out of the bed in the morning.
I don't know what makes me happy, isn't why we pursue things in life, to see what makes us happpy, who's company we want to keep? 

Well here's to my life's search and my pursuit of my personal happiness.
3, 2, 1 GO

Kiss, Kiss, Kiss

This has been an idea in the works for the longest of time. A theory which over and over and over again has been proven.
Never kiss someone who you are interested in. See there are good and bad aspects I see here. I love going out and having an excuse to wear 5 inch heels and a short dress. I like the idea of going out and casually meeting people. I love how I can meet someone in one night, dance, kiss and never know their name. I loved  that, you know the first half of the year. I hate how I have a wonderful night with someone, I might see them again, they might add me on facebook. That's it, usually no more. How does anybody live here, live like this? I mean just talking about the last week I kissed a guy Thurdays, a different one Friday, and then another one Sunday. Not one has talked to me since. Que poca. I mean how does anyone go on like this. I mean I love crazy nights, nights I don't remember and so, but please someone tell me this is strange. Life in New York was more like you like a guy and you never tell him, the same if he likes you. I mean here I can just go up to someone ask their name and they will like me (short time guarenteed)...
The first part fo the year I was let's say "shy" and if you know me, it must be hard to believe. However since getting to know people, the area and the culture I would say i have adapted. However if adapting is kissing now not asking  and later feeling empty, I have offically adapted. Maybe this is just what it is like for foreign exchange students, you know the ones who walk into any public area and everyone knows they aren't from here.
This subject has ocassionally coming up, over and over again.... I mean out of over 6 months in this country I have kissed who knows how many guys. At least 20, I have only kissed one twice. Even the nice guys I have met that started out as good friends and at some point took a turn for the romantic side they didn't call me.
I love the ironic part too. I can be blunt, what do I have to lose. I asked one of the guys "How come we never went out liek you said." And here's the bullshit response. "I have to go to school from Monday to Saturday and then I spend Sunday with my family." You make me laugh. Then a week later this guy talks to me out of the blue. I hate lairs I told you that. "But didn't I treat you well?" "uhhhh, NO?"
I refuse to say it is cultural differences, because I have blamed that before. But sometimes it is just plain assholes, sometimes it is the large amounts of alcohol the population has drank that night sometimes it is just bad luck we could say. Sometimes it is my own feeling of lonliness that drives me to find someone to spend the night with...
I just want to post this, becuase once I write it I am free of it. So let me be free.