Nothing means anything

2:05 am. Just got home, another night partying...  another night of regret.
I can't tell you how much I have regretted this year. I regret almost everything, almost everyone. I don;t know why I haven't given up yet. I can't tell you how mnay times I have wanted to buy the next ticket back home.
No one means anything. No one means anything to me. It pains me to say this. Out of everyone I have met, they won;t mean anything to me, less to me after I return home. It is the drastically the opposite here for me. Care for yourself, you're all on your own. Everyone who has meant anything to me here has only hurt me. I feel hurt, my heart streched open and raw., bleeding for the abuse. I mean I feel horrible, I'm not me. You could claim I'm a good person that I'm unique and individual and everything but I'm not even the reflection of that person to day. I haven't been for a long time. I miss me.
Anything romantic, forget it. Romance is dead, civerlary is non-existent. I haven't been crazy throwinng my morals to wind as often. I haven't been with anyone physically in 3 weeks, I don't really want to, well maybe I do but in the morning I'm left empty and cold. It hits you every time harder and harder until you claim you'll become a lesbian. :) I have been hurt too many times.
My heart when I came was open wide, accepting of everyone, caring. As of right now... it is dying. My heart has been infected. Only 3 months to live the doctor said, his words dropped like bombs on my fragile world.
You know. I can't think.
Nothing means anything.