inhale, Exhale

Inhale, Exhale
An early night smoke.
The smoke fighting the cold air.
You'll catch a cold for a quick fix,
for a rush of nicotine.
Inhale. Exhale.

....

A language you can't understand,
Syllables you can't pronounce
Meaning that could not be found.

Our love goes on...

For those we may not know, depending the day I am a pesimist about love. I question it's existence, I doubt it's power, i focus on the associated pain. Other days I'm a secret romantic who knows soul mates exist and if it's meant to be, it will be.
You are the exception. You are everything I have ever known. There have been many before you andd there could be more after, however as of right now my heart is rented to you. I may hold back, for I cannot give you everything, every fiber of my being, let you into every part of me. You may not occupy my whole heart, however, there's only you. It has not always been you and I can't promise it always will be you... the future is unsure, I'm indecesive, things change.
I sometimes see you as my soul mate... god I sometimes can't take myself seriously, people may not understand, however it isn't for them to understand. I don't need anyone's approval, not my parents, not my friends, I don't need to follow societal influences and trends. It's just you and me. I would like it to be that way forever, whereever we are, maybe our own handcrafted world, just you and me, and that may be all that matters.
I need to stop asking questions, over analyzing everything, every moment, every word, forward and playing it back. The tone of voices, the meeting of eyes, the location of caresses. Clear my head, come to peace with not knowing if tomorrow something will change, if someone won't be here, that one of us might feel differently. I can't promise you anything. I don't even make promise to myself.
Love? Seriously... the universal cliche. What is love? It is only about how you feel together. If it feels right. Maybe it's not a perfect match, well personally women set standards so high, no man could fullfill them. I have few expectations, I just want to be happy. In all aspects, I want to be able to be happy alone, and once together I want nothing to change. I want excitment and spontaneity, I want to laugh and smile, and not know where the time went when we're together. I want to be crazy and misunderstood, I want to be at peace, I want to feel alive. I want all of that possibly alone if I cannot have that with you.Just know always a part of my heart will always be dedicated to you.Our love goes on...

I'm not good

Small conversation after small conversation I've lied, because no one wants to hear the truth... No one asks "How are you?" (in any language) to hear a response which is not "good."
Well I will tell you here and now, I am NOT good, I'm NOT fine. I don't need to be okay, I have the right to be unhappy, to be completly out of control, to maybe question everything I do and say.
I feel like I haven't been happy, if anything happy by circumstances. Happy becuase an era was coming to an end. Happy in the fading world of known. Happy because I didn't know anyone or thing. I've been happy, don't let me mislead you. I'm just not happy now.
I don't care if it just takes some "adjsuting" or if is something I cannot control. I just have always felt I'm waiting. A constant cycle of survival until a unexpected encounter with happiness. The happiness all but fleeting.
The struggles are real... I feel trapped here, trapped in this city, this school, within these walls as times in bad company. Trapped, without even a light to guide me.
The struggle to find yourself, to do well, to know what you want to do, to know who to befriend and who to let go. Everything is a question, asking who the things you might not know the answer to quite yet.It's overwhelming.
Step after step, follow your feet. They somehow always lead the way. Keep walking, keep thinking, keep questioning. Scream outloud every once in a while. Find inspiration and notice the little things. Get through the day becuase there aren't enough hours in the day to do everything, how can yesterday and tomorrow fit too?
You can't be afraid of unhappiness in which might worry people about and are concerned about. You CAN'T be happy all the time, nor fine, you can't be oaky. You can be angry, frustrated, sad and enraged. Maybe there is nothing to smile remembering, nor anything to look forward to today however we always haave tomorrow and if not tomorrow the next day. I promise you, everything will be okay even if it is not today. I'm not good either.

Postcards

Everyone should make it a point to check their mailbox daily even though it might be more likely there will be nothing there than be something. As one walks down the corridor, slowly approaching their mailbox excitement heightens and the moment of truth comes and as you peer through the window. Whether within lies a package slip or letters is no of importance, the ultimate gift is a postcard. Postcards from near or far, the handwriting beautiful, blue ink, black ink, stamped, from every corner of the world, filling every corner of my heart.
I will wait for your postcards, the thought of their arrival residing in my mind and refusing to leave. Mi querida, mi amor, mi hija, mi amiga, mi hermana, my dear, my love, my friend, my sister, Alison…
Facebook is cold, hotmail unheard of, Gmail impersonal. Show me you have taken the time to write to me, show me you still love and care. Show me even across seas, borders, hours ahead and hours behind me, show me not only our love, but we will prevail.
I can’t imagine moving as a child, the pain of starting over and over again. I left my small town for the big city south of the border and now am pained to be here. It’s nothing against this place or people, it just isn’t the same. They say it just takes some “adjusting” as if that will change the reality of our separation. I have adjusted, I have made friends, I am happy, however every once in a while the reality hits me. There is no cure for this heartache, nor would I want there to be, I know I have a friend in almost every part, nook and cranny of the world awaiting my arrival. I want to be here, just know it is one of the hardest things to be pulled in-between two places, you feel as though you cannot stay and you have nowhere to go, and now imagine the strings of your heart being pulled by every corner of the world.
I lock my door, lock the outside, new world here out, and sit down to write. My true friend, my loving family, my little sister, a forgotten acquaintance, I miss you all. I miss you because you helped me grow, you showed me love across borders and so far away from home. I could never forget you, I love you.
The hardest thing about being here is not being away from my home, but being so far away from my family and friends who are spread far and wide from my heart. I miss my friends and family made in Mexico because we shared something no one can understand here. We made mistake after mistake and then another without judgment. We were young and irresponsible and learned more than another 3 credit course could teach. We gained life experience which may not be valid on a resume or count as AP credit however I don’t ask anything in return.

There is no doubt you will write and I hope you never forget that I will in return, neatly scribbled message awaiting in my mailbox. Your postcards will always arrive and I will always be waiting sending my love through postcard in return.

Written in Water

My words
Written in water
Echoed through ripples
Until they reached the sea.

There they drifted
Helpless to the rising and falling water
and the crashing waves.

They drifted
Next to reminiscence of what used to be
Mere memories

My words
Written in water
Echoed through ripples
Until they met the sea

My words, written in water
Were never meant to be.