Nothing means anything

2:05 am. Just got home, another night partying...  another night of regret.
I can't tell you how much I have regretted this year. I regret almost everything, almost everyone. I don;t know why I haven't given up yet. I can't tell you how mnay times I have wanted to buy the next ticket back home.
No one means anything. No one means anything to me. It pains me to say this. Out of everyone I have met, they won;t mean anything to me, less to me after I return home. It is the drastically the opposite here for me. Care for yourself, you're all on your own. Everyone who has meant anything to me here has only hurt me. I feel hurt, my heart streched open and raw., bleeding for the abuse. I mean I feel horrible, I'm not me. You could claim I'm a good person that I'm unique and individual and everything but I'm not even the reflection of that person to day. I haven't been for a long time. I miss me.
Anything romantic, forget it. Romance is dead, civerlary is non-existent. I haven't been crazy throwinng my morals to wind as often. I haven't been with anyone physically in 3 weeks, I don't really want to, well maybe I do but in the morning I'm left empty and cold. It hits you every time harder and harder until you claim you'll become a lesbian. :) I have been hurt too many times.
My heart when I came was open wide, accepting of everyone, caring. As of right now... it is dying. My heart has been infected. Only 3 months to live the doctor said, his words dropped like bombs on my fragile world.
You know. I can't think.
Nothing means anything.

Looking for something and don't know what

I find we are all looking for something which we don't know what. Something to make us happy, make everything worthwhile and make sense. We all are looking for this thing that will bring probably fleeting happiness. For all happiness passes sooner that it is ever enjoyed. The quick death of a smile makes them all the more valuable.

I've never found happiness in my pay check or for the most part not in other people, not in romantic relationships. I've never been hungry for power, all these typical things that people want in hopes of being happy. The things that make life "good." If bussiness is good doesn't mean life is good. You can be surround by other people and feel the loneliest.  Power brings power, nothing else. What does power mean to me?
I pursue what I think will make me happy. Bring a smile to my face, laugh until my stomach hurts. What gives me the will to get out of the bed in the morning.
I don't know what makes me happy, isn't why we pursue things in life, to see what makes us happpy, who's company we want to keep? 

Well here's to my life's search and my pursuit of my personal happiness.
3, 2, 1 GO

Kiss, Kiss, Kiss

This has been an idea in the works for the longest of time. A theory which over and over and over again has been proven.
Never kiss someone who you are interested in. See there are good and bad aspects I see here. I love going out and having an excuse to wear 5 inch heels and a short dress. I like the idea of going out and casually meeting people. I love how I can meet someone in one night, dance, kiss and never know their name. I loved  that, you know the first half of the year. I hate how I have a wonderful night with someone, I might see them again, they might add me on facebook. That's it, usually no more. How does anybody live here, live like this? I mean just talking about the last week I kissed a guy Thurdays, a different one Friday, and then another one Sunday. Not one has talked to me since. Que poca. I mean how does anyone go on like this. I mean I love crazy nights, nights I don't remember and so, but please someone tell me this is strange. Life in New York was more like you like a guy and you never tell him, the same if he likes you. I mean here I can just go up to someone ask their name and they will like me (short time guarenteed)...
The first part fo the year I was let's say "shy" and if you know me, it must be hard to believe. However since getting to know people, the area and the culture I would say i have adapted. However if adapting is kissing now not asking  and later feeling empty, I have offically adapted. Maybe this is just what it is like for foreign exchange students, you know the ones who walk into any public area and everyone knows they aren't from here.
This subject has ocassionally coming up, over and over again.... I mean out of over 6 months in this country I have kissed who knows how many guys. At least 20, I have only kissed one twice. Even the nice guys I have met that started out as good friends and at some point took a turn for the romantic side they didn't call me.
I love the ironic part too. I can be blunt, what do I have to lose. I asked one of the guys "How come we never went out liek you said." And here's the bullshit response. "I have to go to school from Monday to Saturday and then I spend Sunday with my family." You make me laugh. Then a week later this guy talks to me out of the blue. I hate lairs I told you that. "But didn't I treat you well?" "uhhhh, NO?"
I refuse to say it is cultural differences, because I have blamed that before. But sometimes it is just plain assholes, sometimes it is the large amounts of alcohol the population has drank that night sometimes it is just bad luck we could say. Sometimes it is my own feeling of lonliness that drives me to find someone to spend the night with...
I just want to post this, becuase once I write it I am free of it. So let me be free.

You.

You. Out of everyone. Out of everyone,  I didn't notice you. I forgot you. I don't know why that was. You made me remember you. You made me want you like you wanted me. How could I break something that didnt exist. You weren't anything. But, you forgot me like I had forgot you. You made me crazy, filled my head with thoughts of you. Now I'm crazy for you. And you don't want anything from me. Out of everyone, I forgot you. You made me remember you. I wish you had forgotten before you reminded me.

You were my Drug

You are my metaphor, the endings of my beginnings of my sentances You are my uplift to disappointment and you cushioned all my crash landings. You made me smile when I wanted to do anything but, you were everything. You'll never know how much you meant to me. There were no others, just me and you. 

You were my drug. It the most metahporical sense. I didn't want to go a day without you, almost as if from addiction. You soothed my problems like a good trip. You made me happy when nothing else would. When the world looked dark there was always you. You're the most powerful drug, stronger than crank, crack, LSD, weed, mushrooms, every drink cocaine, than every drug in existence. There were no harmful side-effects... your drug filled me up and kept me feeling high. You were my drug, and our drug was absolute love. 

I've Always wanted to Say

For the majority of my life I have dedicated most of my time with my friends... rarely ever did I have to deny a friend in need for family obligation.

I just realized even though I currently have good friends who make the passing time more enjoyable, today I'm proud to say one of my friends invited me to do something and I prefer to spend the time with my family. "I can't.. I'm going to eat with my family, then go to the mall with my family and see a movie and have coffee." You can really find family anywhere.. and I found one here in Mexico.

I've always wanted to say that. Inbetween leaving the house, getting kicked out of the house, problems from all directions I ran to my friends who got me through the toughest times in my life. I've jsut always wanted to say "I can't, I am doing something with my family."

This Is Why I Don't Want to Know Your Name

The other night history has repeated itself. How many times have you met someone interesting of the opposite sex. Someone who you might have instantly feel attracted to? How many times has this happened..
A few days ago I met a guy like many times before. Except along with the few others I asked or knew the name things thus far have not turned out so well.
It's as if asking for their name and establishing some connection some knowing ruins all future possiblities. I will never forget the best nights especially where you find someone to share the night with.
However I have one referenc point but the morning after I felt no regret. The night I kissed a random stranger in the "calle de beso" or the street of kissing. Just like that, a good story, no regret.
All the other times I knew their names. Just knowing that broke my heart a little every time because they never made a move after. That's why I don't like playing the game. I have given up so many times because of heartbreak... and every time, the last time is forgotten it happens again and I am reminded.
This is why I don't want to know your name.